Wednesday, June 24, 2009

TRANSFORMERS: REVENGE OF THE... GOOD GOD MAN!!!



It’s been 5 hours since I’ve seen TRANSFORMERS: REVENGE OF THE FALLEN. As such I think I can now appropriately review the film. Here it is…

WOW, lots of money… freaking insane! Shiny! Boom, he… he I like fast cars and things that explode. Cavemen, I can’t believe there was… parachute. Megan Fox is not human, she’s simply too hot! How in the name of…? Spinny and dizzy, Megan Fox, seriously! MASSIVE! Military porn! Big explosions, more shiny! Jeez laweez, how on earth? ISABEL LUCAS! That doesn’t make… ROBOTS IN TREES! OPTIMUS PRIME! Do you know what kind of movie I could make with this kind of money? Porn, every kind of porn; action, robot, military… this is a 13 year old boy’s wet… ooh, MEGAN FOX! This isn’t a movie it’s… good God! Are your frigging serious? Racist, I can’t believe they… it’s not just the robots, holy crap! Squirrel! I don’t know if I should be offended or applauding the balls on display. MASSIVE, seriously so much but I don’t know if any of it… I want to be 11 years old again! OK, I think Michael Bay is an unrepentant Republican; subversively he’s trying to say… Michael Bay, subversive HAH? Holy crap, seriously this isn’t a movie it’s… BOOBS! There are rules, basic rules that they teach in every film school or that you learn by watching like 5 movies and this thing doesn’t even remotely try to pretend that it even wants to play by… ooh, more shininess, explosions and Megan Fox! I’m coocoo for Coco Puffs! Seriously is there anything the military didn’t give these guys? Too much, it’s just too much, my eyes, my ears, my brain, my soul! HOLY CRAP, HOLY CRAP, HOLY CRAP! No way people didn’t die while making this, there’s just no way! Talk about everything and the kitchen sink, so much carnage, so much mayhem, WWIII and WWIV all rolled into one! I want to live in Michael Bay’s world it must be so. Seriously, testicles, horrifically glaring racial stereotypes and robot testicles? Objectification, objectification… OK, it’s kind of fun but OPTIMUS PRIME WEARING ANOTHER ROBOT LIKE A CANNIBAL OR BUFFALO BILL IN SILENCE OF THE LAMBS!!! Can’t stop long enough to think about how f’d up WAY TOO MUCH EXPLODING TO CARE!!! Not a movie, this isn’t a movie, I don’t know what it is but it isn’t a movie! I think I may be at least 50 IQ points dumber now but I’m really not sure I care… SWEET GOD, it’s simply not possible to put that much money, mayhem, military firepower and female awesomeness on screen! WTF, seriously WTF? They shot on a frigging aircraft carrier with a robot! I… I’m spent, I’m repulsed, punch drunk, feel like a retarded teenager, want to make my ears bleed by seeing it in IMAX. My creative soul and writer’s mind weeps. Need to drink heavily, reconsider my stance on taking recreational drugs and just let myself go while I wallow in the… whatever it is. Seriously you couldn’t parody Bay and come even close to what this film is. I… there’s not way to review it, there’s not, I… do I buy this, do I see it again, do I burn every film print in effigy? SERIOUSLY I need to get this much money to make a movie someday!

8 comments:

Adam said...

Huh?

Megan said...

Ummm....that was definitely Steame of Conciousness...but I guess that equals abotu as much sense as a contemporary Michael Bay movie makes...

Phoebe Jane said...

That made absolutely no sense....

But it does make me want to go out and see the movie. IMAX on Friday, no work and Michael Bay!!

Awesomeness.

~~

Senor Granto said...

Chris, your entries never fail to entertain me. : )

Chris W said...

Honest to God that is the most coherent review I can give. If you see it (Which I think only certain people should) you'll understand what I mean. The movie doesn't really allow you to form a coherent thought. I've NEVER seen a movie that does that and that's why in many ways I honestly don't know if I'd call it a movie. It doesn't really follow any of the rules of what makes a movie. It's Michael Bay's TRANSFORMERS. The review is fitting.

Stefanie said...

Oh my gosh...that was hilarious!

Adam said...

Are you trying to say that the fanboy part of you was thinking "Wow, babes and explosions!" and the movie buff part of you was thinking "I can't believe he thought this was a MOVIE?"

Chris W said...

Yeah, basically although honest to God I don't think he ever really thought he was making a movie which is what's so strange about it. Love or hate the man Michael Bay knows exactly what he makes and he doesn't make any bones about it and this is an example of that. At no point does he even really try to pretend that it's a movie which is odd but at the same time I have to give the guy credit for admitting it in not so many words by what he's showing on screen.