Friday, May 29, 2009

Why I Hate Pixar!


Dear Pixar,

You suck! Seriously stop it and stop it right now! Who do you think you are? Enough is enough and I’m not going to take it anymore!

First how dare you make me almost cry at your stupid movies! I’m a grown…ish man and that crap’s for kids and hormonal women. FINDING NEMO, THE INCREDIBLES, WALL-E and now stupid UP have all almost (Or in some cases actually have) brought me to tears. I won’t stand for that crap. What if I had a date with me and I was trying to look cool or something? I can’t have her thinking I’m all sensitive and that I have feelings.

Second, don’t you understand what “family entertainment” means? It means you make a flashy, noisy spectacle that distracts the young ones, not enlightens, educates and entertains them all at the same time. I mean come on if I were a parent you think I want to bring my kid to a movie that’s going to make them ask questions and engage me in deep, meaningful conversations? I’m taking them to the movies to shut them up, not provoke discussion. That kind of crap is for their teachers! I’d want to take my tikes home and put them right to bed so I could make-out with their mom, something I could actually do in the theatre with stuff like ICE AGE, but that I’d find near impossible with your films. Stop making your movies so damn accessible and entertaining to all ages! Not yet, but some day I’m sure it will mess with my game.

You see your movies are just too darn much trouble. Every time a new one comes out I have to weigh it against your past masterpieces and it’s getting old. I mean do you have any idea how frustrating it is to debate if UP is better than WALL-E?

On top of all this you’re just making everyone else look bad. Have you no feelings? I mean would it kill you to throw a ringer in there every so often? At this point you’re just embarrassing pretty much everyone else because to the best of my recollection I can’t think of a studio in the history of Hollywood that has your kind of track record. Seriously, you’re just being mean and spiteful at this point. I mean I figured you might finally hit a speed bump when you made a movie about an old man and a flying house, but nooo… you’re just too darn perfect aren’t you? You just had to go and make one of the most touching pieces of cinema I’ve ever seen didn’t you?

Please, I’m begging you, just stop. Just for a little while. You’re making everyone else look bad, you’re making everyone that watches your movies better for it and you’re making money hand over fist. The rest of America… heck the world is suffering, is it really so much to ask that you lower your standards just a little bit?

It’s frustrating because at the end of the day I know this is going to fall on deaf ears. I know next year I’ll go into TOY STORY 3 and you’ll do it to me all over again. Of course I know it won’t stop there. How could it? You guys put too much value on story and character. You put more heart, soul, emotion, imagination and brains into each frame of film than most studios do in their entire line-up. No matter how hard I try I know you’re gonna make me laugh, cry and cheer. You’re going to entertain everyone in the theatre and put almost every other movie to shame. For now though I’ll have to put up with UP. I’ll have to see it multiple times, cry like a girly man and wait for whatever you’re gonna inflict on me next. Stupid Pixar.

1 comment:

Senor Granto said...

Hahahahaha!

I think what I like most about Pixar is how they take something that most kids are crazy about and build upon it so that it appeals to everyone.

So far they've done- toys, bugs, monsters, superheroes, cars, and robots.

I'd like to see them tackle Dinosaurs at some point, although I'm sure they're hestitant to being compared to the less than stellar Disney version of the same name.