Monday, May 11, 2009

When “Holy Freakin’ Trek!!!!” isn’t quite strong enough

A few months ago, I gave you my thoughts on the summer’s upcoming movies. As you might recall, I expressed hope that a few of them might break the streak of summer movie disappointments and actually end up being enjoyable. There was one film, however, that earned particularly scathing remarks from me regarding its very existence. In the time since posting my thoughts, I began to undergo a change in my feelings regarding that film. For one, I couldn’t deny that it just looked cool. Then the reviews started coming in, and they weren’t good. They were great. So, I decided that, despite my initial reluctance to see the film, I would rather take the chance and see the film than miss out on seeing something that might be potentially great. I want you to know that, going in, I was completely ready to come here and eat crow if I was proved wrong.

Well, tonight, I did it. I saw Star Trek.

There are not enough polite words in the English, French, or Klingon languages to convey my disappointment at the excrement that I just sat through.

Almost each and every one of my fears regarding the film’s approach was proved right. I am appalled at the utter and complete disregard to the source material shown by J.J. Abrams. However, Abrams has one glaring strike against him. He’s not a fan. He has absolutely NO idea how to deal with this material. None whatsoever.

Spoilers follow and end after this paragraph: First of all, Abrams, by destroying the planet Vulcan, (which was a completely stupid idea) you have done more than remove a fictional planet from a fictional universe. You’ve altered the very fabric of everything that I hold dear about the Star Trek Universe. EVERYTHING. What’s more is that I’m expected to applaud this. I’m supposed to be happy that you’ve given my beloved franchise a proverbial shot in the arm. I’m expected to be happy that Spock and Uhura are lovers???? LOVERS??? Give me a break. That’s a truly insipidly stupid, unintelligent, thick-headed, dumber than a numbskull idea. What do you think I am, five? Oh, I get it. You thought that’d be cool, just like you thought that whoever wrote some of Leonard Nimoy’s dialogue wasn’t a total moron. And what in the name of Surak made you think that the way you shot this was going to work? Well, I guess I should be fair. It works. Just not nearly as well as you thought. I will give you credit on three instances of casting. Karl Urban, Simon Pegg, and particularly Anton Yelchin were all terrific choices. That’s all you get. Back to the important stuff . . . why on earth would you have Spock maroon Kirk? That’s retarded, and completely illogical. Additionally, Orci and Kurtzman, you’re not supposed to go to warp inside of a solar system. It’s extremely dangerous. Guess that kind of blows your brilliant idea of having the Enterprise pop out of warp behind Titan. Uh-huh. In case you don’t follow my reasoning, that’s because Titan is a moon of the planet Saturn, which I guess you know, since you had the characters say as much. What you might not know is that Saturn is actually a part of a group of planets that revolve around the same star, which would make that group of planets a solar system. Sorry if that was too much for you.

Oh, and one more thing.When you want the captain to address the entire crew at once, here’s what you’re supposed to him say: “All decks, all stations, this is the captain.” Want to know how I know that?

It’s because I’m a Trekkie. Don’t worry. You can’t possibly understand.

6 comments:

Senor Granto said...

Still haven't seen it yet so I'll post my own thoughts when I do but its interesting to have two varying viewpoints on the film on here and will make it more fun to me when I finally see it and weigh in on it myself.

Senor Granto said...

Here's what my friend thought about it which I thought I'd post since I don't have any frame of reference yet and he kinda had some of the same criticisms that you did.

Saturday, May 09, 2009

Star Trek; The Fringe of the Lost Alias!
I'm going to try to make it to the theatre tonight to see what Star Trek holds. So this is a pre-view rather than a re-view.

I am a little wary of it because a couple nights ago JJ Abrams admitted that he never liked Star Trek.

So what am I expecting from it? Here is my prediction based SOLELY on JJ Abrams and the projects he works on (I haven't yet read any reviews, nor heard any buzz).

1) The movie will start with an anomoly which will become crucial by the end.
2) It will have something to do with time.
3) Before the Crew of the enterprise become friends there will be friction and emotional sparks.
4) Someone will betray them.
5) Someone will nobly sacrifice themselves.

To be Star Trek, I expect;

1) Kirk to try to kiss at least one person
2) To see Kirk's shirt at LEAST torn once - if not off.
2) Bones to say 'Dammit Jim,...'
3) Spock to struggle with his half human roots.
4) To hear 'Wessels"
5) To see scotty say something will take hours, yet accomplish it in minutes.
6) The slow pan shot of the enterprise.

So those are my preview predictions :) I'm hoping for a good blend of Abrams and the franchise, I fear that we will be watching 'Lost, a group of star fleet officers trying to solve the mystery of the .....'

Senor Granto said...

Crap! Sorry, wrong review that was the preview here's the review itself. Guess it gives a nice context though.......

Monday, May 11, 2009

About to make myself unpopular, I suspect!
Star Trek

Finally saw it today. So.. I hit 10/11 of my predictions/hope to sees. This movie had almost everything it needed to be an instant classic.

Amazing Casting
Spectacular Acting
Mind Blowing Special Effects
Clever (if a bit predictable) storyline.

Did I enjoy the flick? Ayup!
Did I like the movie? Nope.

It was missing one thing - a soul. It was.. flat. Besides that, a negative for Trekkies - the premise of the entire movie was based up fun pseudoscience that unfortunately contradicted the fun pseudoscience of other pieces of the franchise. Perhaps I am jaded because I know that the director doesn't like Star Trek... But I don't think so. I was hoping JJ could add something to the trek universe.

Despite my own displeasure with the movie, I would recommend it as a fun romp for the casual movie goer and trekkie alike.

I do smell a sequel, and I think that the cast can have a lot of fun pumping out a new series of Trek Franchise movies, and despite my conflicting feelings about this one, I will be in line to see the next ones!

FilmNinja said...

Your fears about abrams seem to be the key elements to some of the best movies of all time.

I disagree. I think that the movie had a soul. The death of kirks father and spocks mother were very emotional. And I think anytime you find yourself sharing an emotion with a character, a soul is present. The humor alone helps you bond with the crew as you share in them getting to know one another.

And if most of the concern is over science that doesn't actually exist, then I say bravo. These characters are decades old, and so is the technology that the original science was based on. You can catch the doors that open on their own at your local grocery store, and although you can't beam yourself anywhere yet, iPhone should have an app for that soon. Just because it is part of the mythology doesn't mean it would be popular today. Spiderman has organic shooters, wolverine lost the yellow tights, and superman knows he needs a better disquise. If you want the same old vision, deluxe box sets of the original series should be everywhere. But I think an unbiased fresh vision is cool. And just what this franchise needed. I say LIVE LONG AND PROSPER.

FilmNinja said...

Your fears about abrams seem to be the key elements to some of the best movies of all time.

I disagree. I think that the movie had a soul. The death of kirks father and spocks mother were very emotional. And I think anytime you find yourself sharing an emotion with a character, a soul is present. The humor alone helps you bond with the crew as you share in them getting to know one another.

And if most of the concern is over science that doesn't actually exist, then I say bravo. These characters are decades old, and so is the technology that the original science was based on. You can catch the doors that open on their own at your local grocery store, and although you can't beam yourself anywhere yet, iPhone should have an app for that soon. Just because it is part of the mythology doesn't mean it would be popular today. Spiderman has organic shooters, wolverine lost the yellow tights, and superman knows he needs a better disquise. If you want the same old vision, deluxe box sets of the original series should be everywhere. But I think an unbiased fresh vision is cool. And just what this franchise needed. I say LIVE LONG AND PROSPER.

Senor Granto said...

Thanks for your response, although that's my friend's review not mine.

I hope to see it soon and then I'll post my own thoughts on it in here.