Monday, November 16, 2009

If you don't have anything nice to say about someone or something... say it in a blog!



I am not a happy man. While normally I like to consider myself a pretty optimistic, glass is half full type guy, at the moment I am filled with rage, pure unadulterated rage because for all intents and purposes Satan is raping theatres.

First we have 2012 and it’s $65.2 million opening weekend haul. Anyone and everyone that saw a trailer, a TV spot or even a poster for the film knew it was going to be big budget, special effects heavy, cinematic excrement and they still turned out in droves to see Roland Emmerich’s latest effort at not trying. Say what you will about Michael Bay, TRANSFORMERS 2 or pretty much any other mindless special effects film to come out this year or the previous ones, at least for the most part they TRIED to blow things up in new and unique ways! Emmerich gave up on that sometime around the 2nd act of INDEPENDENCE DAY!

As if that weren’t bad enough this coming weekend brings maybe the single worst weekend in the history of all cinema. I mean for the love of all that is good and pure what kind of world do we live in where NEW MOON and THE BLIND SIDE get released in the same weekend?!? Worse yet what kind of world do we live in where I would rather have my head repeatedly slammed in a car door all while watching 2012 and THE BLIND SIDE on a continuous loop than so much as HEAR a single second of NEW MOON!!!

I’m going to state this right now and no amount of prodding, cajoling, begging, pleading or anything else will ever get me to take this back. If you are one of the mindless, overly hormonal, lemming like drones that goes to see NEW MOON you are NEVER EVER EVER allowed to complain about the state of cinema and the lack of quality in modern film again!!! Here’s the thing, no matter how much I hope and pray I know that NEW MOON is going to make more money than even most good movies deserve to make, I’ve resigned myself to that and I’ll admit the pure anger it’s raises in me is probably taking a few years off of my life but so be it. The one and ONLY good thing I can take out of it is the fact that after this anyone who goes to see it from this point forward pretty much has their opinion on movies rendered moot. The next time anyone complains about this movie being stupid or that movie being poorly made I’ll ask them if they saw NEW MOON, if they did then that will end the conversation right there because in every possible way they will be largely responsible for HORRIBLE, CRAPPY, UNWATCHABLE movies getting made because make no mistake that is EXACTLY what NEW MOON is and then some.

I have seen footage, the trailer and the TV spots for NEW MOON multiple times now and I just don’t get it. Anyone who doesn’t think that NEW MOON looks like barely disguised, barely legal, male objectifying, Mormon porn with production values and special effects that make ANY straight to DVD, Hallmark or TV movie look like the next James Cameron film in comparison has their vision clouded by too many underage, shirtless teenage boys to notice. NEW MOON doesn’t just look bad, it looks unwatchable, a complete abortion of cinematic proportions vomited on the screen with absolutely no regard for even TRYING to make anything that even remotely resembles a good movie. In short the people that made it AND the people that see it should be ashamed of themselves for allowing ANYONE to get away with something a so obviously half-assed, rushed and unforgivably uncared for.

Look, I’ll admit the TWILIGHT phenomenon sure as heck isn’t my thing. Especially when truly great vampire fiction exists in the forms of BUFFY THE VAMPIRE SLAYER, ANGEL, TRUE BLOOD and SO many others! My problem though ultimately lies with the fact that not only does TWILIGHT not come even remotely close to deserving the nearly religious type following it has, but that no one has even thought about making a good movie, much less TRIED to make one. If one really put some effort into it, if one cast some actors that are nothing but vacuous stares and high cheekbones and found writers and directors that get and care about the stories they may have something semi-watchable on their hands. Instead they have a series that I absolutely guarantee you will be forgotten in less than a decade. In fact having seen what I’ve seen of these first two films and hearing about what’s down the pike for the next ones I’m fairly certain most audiences will wise up right around the 2nd or 3rd act of ECLIPSE. When that happens I’ll be sitting there laughing and pointing, telling everyone “I told you so” as they try to permanently cleanse perhaps the two greatest cinematic atrocities of all time from their mind.

Sorry guys but at this point I don’t think there has ever been ANYTHING in the history of pop culture that has pissed me off more than this crap. I’m going to shut up and stop ranting now because I’ve already granted this drek, this pap, this utter garbage more time and thought that it’s ever deserved. And don’t even get me started on THIS IS IT… is it time for SHERLOCK HOLMES or AVATAR yet?

3 comments:

Adam said...

Seconded. I have a good friend who adores the books and even spent a few days camped out to see Pattinson on the red carpet. I just don't get it.

Like you, this is the kind of thing that ticks me off. There are filmmakers from all over the world who have better ideas and better judgment as an artist than some of these hacks, but they'll never get the big money to make the films they want to make.

You mentioned Truffaut, Fellini, Bergman and Kurosawa in your Corman post. Think about it. These towering figures of cinema would probably be reduced to the margins if they were to make films today. That's unfathomable.

Chris W said...

I fully agree with you... a rarity I know :-). The possibilities of new, unique, exciting visions of cinema are slowly being smothered right before our very eyes by the likes of TWILIGHT, NEW MOON, 2012 and so on. While I am happy that at least some big budget franchises / films seem to have figured out how to make entertaining AND smart movies ala, STAR TREK, IRON MAN, HARRY POTTER, etc. they are way too few and far between and they don't make up for the thousands of unheard of artistic voices still yet to be discovered.

Senor Granto said...

Ah, I missed your rants on here.

I should show you something I posted on Adam's fb page about Breaking Dawn, the plot is so insane that you can't make it up. I'm almost tempted to want to see it on account of how campily over the top it will be.